The Gospel of Chuck
January 10, 2006
Unlike those bogus, inflated claims circulating the internet, here is the truth about Chuck Norris:
Chuck Norris didn’t endorse Joel Osteen’s book. Chuck Norris wrote it.
Then, by his mere presence, he impregnated Osteen’s wife and the entire Ladies Ministry during a single session at a women’s retreat. They gave birth to the National Association of Evangelicals. The Apostle John wrote about them in the book of Revelation.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have good self esteem. Chuck Norris -is- good self esteem. You have to be Chuck Norris to feel good about yourself.
Chuck Norris doesn’t attend Joel Osteen’s church. Chuck Norris is Joel Osteen’s church. Chuck Norris lives in Joel Osteen’s suit and preaches Joel Osteen’s sermons.
Which Chuck Norris wrote.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Jesus. Chuck Norris -is- Jesus. When the Romans tried to crucify Chuck Norris, the nails bounced off Chuck Norris’ wrists. Then he roundhouse kicked all the Roman soldiers and liberated Israel for the Jews.
Chuck Norris is the King of the Jews.
Then Chuck Norris descended into hell and preached to the spirits in prison. They all believed Chuck Norris.
Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the devil and all his minions.
Chuck Norris didn’t rise from the dead, though, because no one can kill Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ascended to the right hand of God the Father Almighty. Then he roundhouse kicked the Father and is now seated on the throne because Chuck Norris is the most Almighty being there is.
You bet your ass Chuck Norris will judge the living and the dead.
Chuck Norris says, read my…I mean Joel Osteen’s…book NOW!
Or else.
This is The Gospel of Chuck in The Japery, a part of The New Pantagruel. Previously: Pace Steyn, Some People Definitely Should Not Reproduce | Next: Bigger Than Chuck | TrackBack (1) | Comments (0)
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» Bigger Than Chuck from The Japery
If you think that Chuck Norris is the bomb, you obviously have not read Ex Dono Sapientissimi Japus Qui Orbem Terrarum Per Cucurrit. I will share an excerpt here: “Fr. Jape once sold his soul to the devil for his… [Read More]
Tracked on January 12, 2006 04:11 AM