Married to the Company in the 21st Century
January 25, 2006
According to the San Francisco Chronicle, the problem with marriage is that it only comes in one size. People want more choice we are told, and the free market provides the perfect answer in the form of various corporate relationships available. “Exclusivity and the use of choice to define one’s identity are at the core of modern consumer society” the Chronicle informs us. “Extending this to marriage is only logical. Marital corporations would be a huge boost to the multibillion-dollar wedding industry, while opening up a vast range of possible business opportunities throughout society. Some could be established as nonprofit organizations that also work in furtherance of social or environmental causes about which some couples have strong feelings. Others might become investment vehicles, whose assets form the marital nest egg. Still others might charge a subscription fee that would then be invested to pay dividends to lasting marriages upon significant anniversaries.”
I can imagine what such a future might bring.
Barkeep: What’s the matter pal, you don’t look so good.
Pal: My marriage is on the rocks.
Barkeep: No kidding? Rough stuff. I remember when my missus left me, she got the kids and the ‘vette. Tough times.
Pal: This is worse. My marriage has just become the victim of a hostile takeover. I just came from the annual meeting where they just threw me and my wives and husbands off the Board of Directors. The lawyers tell us it was all nice and legal!
Barkeep: So what’s your company got to do with your marriage?
Pal: You don’t understand, my company is my marriage. It’s one of those new corporate marriages. They make marriage more about you and what you want, more flexible, you can choose your own arrangement, you know, not so stuffy. It’s a really great way to make more people happy.
Barkeep: [confused] So, you’re like, married to a bunch of stockholders?
Pal: Yeah, that’s the idea. Look, this is my marriage we’re talking about here. My spouses and I worked our tails off to build this thing into something really special. I mean, things weren’t easy for us in the early days. When we were just a startup in my parents’ garage we had to pool our pocket change just to have enough to afford all the condoms.
Barkeep: [still confused] What happened?
Pal: I hardly know myself! But it seems that a group of eHarmony rejects got together as a measure of last resort and hired themselves some shark off of Wall Street to find a “loophole” in the new marriage laws. It seems they found a source of offshore funding and formed a conglomerate named Fat Ugly Chicks, Unlimited, and began buying up all outstanding shares of my marriage on the sly. My marriage! I still can hardly believe it.
Barkeep: So, you’re out now, it’s like a divorce?
Pal: No, no, no. You’re not listening. There nothing so despicable as divorce in corporate marriage. I’m still married, it’s just that I and my previous spouses have been divested of our controlling interest by our new spouses.
Barkeep: How did that happen?
Pal: Well, at our annual shareholder’s meeting, just concluded, F.U.C., U announced their controlling interest in the marriage and voted themselves onto the Board. They rewrote the by-laws and each former board member received this nasty letter from the F.U.C., U. Wall Street shark advising us in the sternest terms that if we failed to meet our obligations pursuant to the corporate charter and by-laws our shares would be forfeit. I can’t let that happen! My whole life is tied up in this marriage, not to mention all of my assets.
Barkeep: So what are your obligations?
Pal: You were married once, you shouldn’t have to ask.
Barkeep: That bad.
Pal: It’s bad all right. And if they think they can get away with this without a fight they have another thing coming. During the board vote I stood up and shouted “What about Sarbanes-Oxley! What about Sarbanes-Oxley! But they just drowned me out with chants of “F.U.C., U., F.U.C., U.” I mean, is nothing sacred anymore? I tell you, I’m living through Enron marriage hell right now. And all I want is to be happy. To do things the way I want to do them. To be loved.
Man at Bar: Excuse me, I couldn’t help overhearing your troubles. Let me tell you, it’s not love you want, that’s only for the religious freaks. What you want is a Limited Partnership Marriage. It closes off all those corporate loopholes, gives your marriage a much firmer foundation.
Pal: Really? How do they work?
Man at Bar: Look, here’s the legal forms I just picked up at Office Depot. As many of the spouses as want to are General Partners. They’re the face of the marriage, go to the parties, make friends, show up at PTA meetings, all the usual stuff. And if you’re lucky, you can swing a Limited Partnership slot.
Pal: What do they do?
Man at Bar: They pretty much just provide the venture capital and screw the GPs whenever they get the chance.This is Married to the Company in the 21st Century in The Japery, a part of The New Pantagruel. Previously: I’m too principled for this church, too principled for this church, so principled it hurts | Next: The Vow of Stability | TrackBack (1) | Comments (0)
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» Corporate Millets from Eunomia
Even greater participation could be achieved through the establishment of marital corporations (MCs), which could have hundreds or thousands of couples as shareholders, all sharing common values about marriage. Couples getting married would subscribe t… [Read More]
Tracked on January 26, 2006 05:22 AM